The night before term starts, a lot of children discover a knot somewhere below the ribs that will not untie. Some of them tell you about it. Most do not, and it comes out instead as a sudden furious argument about socks.
Resist the urge to fix it
The instinct is to reassure — "you will be fine, you will love it, there is nothing to worry about." It comes from love, and it lands as a door closing. What a child hears is that this feeling is wrong and should stop.
The more useful move is to agree with them. "Yes. First days are horrible. I still hate them." Then wait. Children very often say the real thing about ninety seconds after the first thing.
The goodbye is the whole game
- Decide the goodbye in advance and describe it: two hugs and a wave from the gate.
- Do exactly that. A lingering goodbye reads as "this place might not be safe."
- Tell them precisely who is collecting them and when, in terms they can hold — "after afternoon play, not after lunch."
- Leave. Confidently. Cry in the car, which is what the car is for.
Watch the episodeFirst Day Back7:24Dr Priya Hale
Early childhood advisor
Developmental psychologist. Reviews our age guidance and keeps us honest about what four-year-olds can actually do.
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